Thinking and responding on the fly

As a therapist, it is an ongoing effort to be completely present and mindful in sessions.  We must tap into all of the cues our clients give us in any given moment.  While working my internship I realized that my style of processing thought was often to go away and think about things and bring them up the following session. I found this was less effective than if I was able to make these observations in the moment and so I consulted with my supervisor about it.  Over time I have been able to improve the ability to "think on and respond on the fly".  A quick whitted comeback can have quite an impact in everyday conversation or debate too.  I am interested to see what you all think of this ability and what it is that helps us to improve it.  Where else and how else can it be useful?  I would like this to be a discussion so please don't hold back :)

Storytelling and Storytelling

No, I'm not repeating myself.  There are two types of "stories" we tell.  There are the stories that we tell that have truth and well...the stories that are mostly fiction.  I will not call them lies because that is not what they are.  Something really amazing and magical happens when we recall our memories.  When we try to recall a memory, we are reliving that memory in our minds through our current perception. 
Have you ever recalled a memory as you are telling a story and as you go along, you begin to make more sense of it that ever before.  That is because, when the event originally occurred, you didn't know all the things you now know, nor have you experienced as much.  Even when the period of time that has passed is not great, still some time has passed.  I make this point because I truly feel that stories get stretched over time or events get rationalized, not because people have the intention to lie but, because there is more perspective. 
I absolutely love family gatherings.  I love to hear the stories and memories.  It's interesting to hear the stories change and stretch year after year.  I've noticed they become more humorous, more intriguing and more legendary.  I myself have memories that I question....how much of this is what actually happened?  I find this phenomenon to be very interesting.  It is also a lot of fun to write and then read journals much much later.  I like to re-read my journal entries and make comments.  A heartache that seemed catastrophic in my adolescence is now just a small piece of time in the long string of events that is my life.
Similarly, I feel that people will rewrite their memories to put themselves in a good light.  It is surprising to hear someone claim they were on your side when you clearly remember them opposing you. "Oh, yes I knew you could do it!"  All the while, you remember the lack of support.  For some, this could cause an argument.  I personally am taken back when this happens.  It usually takes me a little time to process this.  I think about the relationship that has occurred since this stretched memory.  Will it serve me to argue and point out that they were not supportive.  What purpose would it serve for me to point out the other person's stretching of the truth?  Probably not much.  And so, I allow myself and others to remember memories as they like, with the perceptions of today and all the twists.  It is intriguing to see what our minds will do with memories when recalled today. 

 Your thoughts on this? 
Please follow the blog if you like these topics.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Bachelorette.....Could this really be Love?

Millions of Americans are glued to the TV to follow the drama of the Bachelor and Bachelorette series.  As Americans we have welcomed reality TV into our homes and take it personally.  I do enjoy Bachelorette and find it an interesting specimen of human interactions.  Is this really how people would act if they didn't have cameras on them?  Why is it that they become so much more scandalous if moved to Bachelor Pad?  As a counselor I enjoyed watching the main character, this season's Ashley, growing through her relationships so gracefully <note my sarcasm>.  I noticed that she made mistakes but, her resiliency carried her through to the end. She really zeroed in on the prize. 
   Now, the "happily engaged couple" are public.  They really do seem happy.  I don't want to be cynical but, I don't want to be naive either in believing this is real.  How long do you think it takes to know that you can spend the rest of your life with someone?  Do you believe in this type of system to find a mate? 
    The biggest problem I have with this systematic way of finding love is that there are multiple people who the Bachelorette is supposedly "in love" with at once.   How can this be?  Is the Bachelorette physically intimate with both men she is in love with?  In this case, couldn't it just be the increased oxytocin levels making her think it is love?  I don't want to assume anything but, it seems unlikely that nothing happens on these overnight dates.  I would love to hear what others think of this. 
   And then there's the men.  Poor Ben was rejected after his proposal.  He was very confident that he was going to be engaged but, had to walk away alone.  He even asked Ashley later during the "After the final rose" episode, when she made her decision.  I found it peculiar but, not surprising that she never gave him a straight answer.  Was it because even she didn't know until that last day?  Or did she choose JP because her sister didn't approve.
   What do you think?  Do you think love can be found this way? 
  

Parenting Styles

Hello All!  I hope you all had a great weekend.  For this week, I have chose a topic I find especially intriguing.  On Sunday I had the pleasure of going to the zoo and observing families genuinely enjoy the presence of each other. I found it peaceful the way the parents interacted with their children, advocating their curiosity.  They allowed their children to explore and question things.  What happens when these children get older and start actively testing their boundaries.  What then?

Of course I didn't just people watch the whole time but, it did remind me that I find parenting styles very interesting. The interaction we have with our parents is our first taste of relationships in this world.  Although this is obviously the case, the relationship with one's parents is also different than with anyone else because they are also our primary caregivers. As we grow from infancy to adulthood, we have needs that have to be met and we learn how to meet them.  For some adults mental grief is the root of unmet needs.  For others, they may get their needs met by acting out aggressively or even exhibiting more Borderline type tendencies.Why is this?  Did their parents give them too much slack...too little, where they more a friend?  Without getting too involved in a tangent exploring attachment styles, I would like to explore Parenting styles.

There are 4 Parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved

Authoritarian parents expect children to follow their strict rules without offering explanation more than, "because I say so."  Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment.

Authoritative parents also have rules and expect their children to follow them but, they are more democratic.  They are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive.

Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children.  They have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control.  They are nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent.

and lastly....

An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child's basic needs, they are generally detached from their child's life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.

Now ask yourself....Which parenting type would you rather have?

Which parenting style did your parents exhibit? And if you are a parent, which one are you?

Where do we get our parenting styles?  What makes us decide how we parent our children?
These are difficult questions because sometimes they are combined.  What happens when a parent is Authoritarian when they have the energy and Uninvolved when life gets in the way?  I pose these questions and leave many unanswered.  I would love to hear what you all think. 
The truth is parenting is an extremely difficult job.  I am truly impressed by the patience that parents must have to get all that needs to be accomplished in a day and not pull their hair out.  However, it is the one full time job I look forward to the most in life. 
I am truly honored to serve parents as a therapist.  I never claim to be an expert but, I do try to be subjective and observant of the parent-child relationship. 

According to one article..

Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

Authoritative parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (Maccoby, 1992).

Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.

Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.

So according to this, it is obvious which style one would select.  However, it is easier said than done.  I conclude that the parents, those caregivers that are making such an impact on their children need support themselves.  If you serve parents, you have the opportunity to share these ideas with them, allow them to explore what type they would like to be and how to get there. 
What type of questions might you ask?  Please comment and share your ideas.


References
Baumrind, D. (1967). Child-care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75, 43-88.
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction. In P. H. Mussen & E. M. Hetherington, Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development (4th ed.). New York: Wiley.
Maccoby, E.E. (1992). The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, 28, 1006-1017.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog!  Before I begin with any topics I would like to introduce myself and give you a little bit of information about my intentions of this space.  My name is Holly Okai.  I am an LPC-Intern in Austin,TX.  I am very passionate about my work with individuals and couples.  As a recent graduate, I am very excited to serve my clients but, also very aware of my somewhat novice status.  I feel that by writing a blog, I may stay motivated about researching new topics.  Relationships are so very intriguing to me.  I follow the Relational-Cultural Theory and believe we do grow through our relationships, hence the name of my blog.  I plan to post weekly, or more often if time allows.  Each post I will choose a stimulating topic that I find especially close to my work.  I invite your comments, feedback and discussion.  I also invite you to email me if you need additional resources or a referral for agencies or counselors in the Austin area.